girlyswot

Since I did the meme last night, I've been thinking about this a bit more and now I have just done my first ever proper cull of my flist. I have a tiny flist anyway but still I found that there were people and communities on it that I just don't hang out with any more. So if you got dropped, that's why. You are still very welcome to keep reading and commenting on my public posts if you like.

Also, I feel that I should point out (because I don't think I've mentioned it before) that I not only friends lock some of my posts but that quite a lot of these are filtered in various ways. I tend not to filter by subject but mainly according to my mood at the time of posting. Sometimes I prefer to be talking about things with only a few people, rather than with everyone. Generally this is not because the content itself is sooper sekrit. Anyway, if you find that I'm assuming you all know about something that you've never heard before, this is probably why and it's okay to ask.

In the last few days there have been a couple of posts at

hp_britglish to which I have deliberately not responded. Not because I couldn't offer help and not because I have anything against (or even know anything about) the questioner. Mainly because the OP seemed to be responding to every single comment with a line of thanks that ended in *hugs*.

I am not a very tactile person in RL. There are a small handful of people whom I would always hug in greeting and some others who I would hug in case of need. Mainly, however, I prefer to greet people that I know with a kiss on the cheek or just a smile. People I don't know get a handshake. Sometimes, obviously, I don't get to set the agenda and usually this is okay, though occasionally it makes me uncomfortable.

But the idea of random hugs from strangers who might have stopped me for directions, say, makes me shudder. And the idea of *smooches* from anyone makes my skin crawl. Even virtual ones.

A while ago I came across an LJ user (maybe a friend of a friend; can't remember now) who had a statement on her profile explaining that hugs (real or virtual) made her feel uncomfortable and that she would rather not be offered them, especially not as a gesture of comfort. I was very struck by this and left her a comment to say so. I'm not sure I feel quite so strongly as she obviously did but it is an area where I feel uncomfortable.

So, I don't know what I'm saying, really. I'd rather that if you don't really know me, you don't offer me hugs. If you're someone that I know well and hugging is your normal way of showing affection and support, then feel free to continue in that vein. If you're somewhere in between then... I don't know. Do whatever seems right. I won't be offended.

I think maybe my point is that, just as in RL you think about how you relate to different people and what are appropriate gestures at different levels of intimacy, so we should think about those things in online relationships too.

I'm a pretty friendly person. If I know you at all, you're very welcome to befriend me. I don't always befriend back (in the technical LJ sense) because I don't care to have hundreds of posts on my friends page and because I like to know people a little better before giving them access to my flocked posts.

But just now I discovered that I had been befriended by an LJ user I'd never, ever heard of.

2chicken has one meme on their LJ and no other information. Creepier still, their friends list consisted of just me and one other person, who also had no idea who they were (actually that's how I came across this person).

So I've banned them from commenting and I won't be befriending back. If you're someone who really wants to get to know me, here's what to do. Get another LJ. Use it. Make comments on my posts. Review my stories and I'll love you forever. And then ask if you can befriend me. I'm sure I'll say yes.

Edited to clarify: That final paragraph was aimed at one person only:

2chicken. If you're someone who already befriended me, there is no need to apologise! Every so often I check my profile and click on the names I don't recognise. Usually, as soon as I get to your LJ I realise exactly where you know me from and there's no problem at all. Or if you've commented on my posts that's good too. Or if you've ever been to one of

moonette1's parties that certainly entitles you to befriend me.

LJ and me continued

Self-absorption and LJ etiquette

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