Self-absorption and LJ etiquette

[girlyswot]

In the last few days there have been a couple of posts at hp_britglish to which I have deliberately not responded. Not because I couldn't offer help and not because I have anything against (or even know anything about) the questioner. Mainly because the OP seemed to be responding to every single comment with a line of thanks that ended in *hugs*.

I am not a very tactile person in RL. There are a small handful of people whom I would always hug in greeting and some others who I would hug in case of need. Mainly, however, I prefer to greet people that I know with a kiss on the cheek or just a smile. People I don't know get a handshake. Sometimes, obviously, I don't get to set the agenda and usually this is okay, though occasionally it makes me uncomfortable.

But the idea of random hugs from strangers who might have stopped me for directions, say, makes me shudder. And the idea of *smooches* from anyone makes my skin crawl. Even virtual ones.

A while ago I came across an LJ user (maybe a friend of a friend; can't remember now) who had a statement on her profile explaining that hugs (real or virtual) made her feel uncomfortable and that she would rather not be offered them, especially not as a gesture of comfort. I was very struck by this and left her a comment to say so. I'm not sure I feel quite so strongly as she obviously did but it is an area where I feel uncomfortable.

So, I don't know what I'm saying, really. I'd rather that if you don't really know me, you don't offer me hugs. If you're someone that I know well and hugging is your normal way of showing affection and support, then feel free to continue in that vein. If you're somewhere in between then... I don't know. Do whatever seems right. I won't be offended.

I think maybe my point is that, just as in RL you think about how you relate to different people and what are appropriate gestures at different levels of intimacy, so we should think about those things in online relationships too.

Comments

[petitecrivan.livejournal.com]

That's interesting to think about. There's so much of a difference in the way we think about interaction between people online vs. in person. Even talking to my dad, I say things online to him that I normally wouldn't say in person.

I'm generally a fairly *huggy* person, IRL and online. Online especially. If someone is feeling bad, I want to hug them or do some sort of action that is vaguely sympathetic. I don't do it with people I don't know, but with people who are my friends, I will willingly give them as many hugs as they want.

I do have friends who are not very touchy-feely, and I try to accept that. It's harder to know the difference online, though.

Hope that all makes sense...

[white_hart]

I'm not a terribly huggy person either, and I find that poster in hp_britglish a bit unsettling too. I keep wanting to point out that hugging is not generally considered to be an appropriate response to helpful advice from a total stranger.

[girlyswot.livejournal.com]

Perhaps especially not when all those total strangers are British! I did think about saying something but I couldn't work out how to do it in a way that wouldn't cause a huge fuss, so I thought better just to ignore it.

[nineveh-uk.livejournal.com]

It is tempting to add "And another tip about British culture..."

I prefer not to hug nor kiss _anyone_ but my immediate family. This can create awkwardnesses, but really, I don't see why I should be expected to be uncomfortable every time I meet someone to spare them being made uncomfortable once by telling them I prefer to shake hands.

[girlyswot.livejournal.com]

Exactly.