girlyswot | Is it still stmargarets birthday?

Is it still stmargarets birthday?

Charlie proclaimed himself completely stuffed after demolishing most of

dogstar101's delicious dinner.

'Time to go, then.' Girlyswot raised a finger to attract the attention of Winewaiter!Albus. 'Have you got the portkeys ready?'

'They have all been slipped into pockets as you directed earlier.'

'Excellent. Can you activate mine and Charlie's first and then everyone else in ten minutes? We just need a few minutes to...' Albus's eyebrows rose suggestively '...get everything ready. Honestly, what is it with everyone assuming that all Charlie and I do is make out?'

'If the uncomfortable Regency corset fits...'

'It doesn't,' she told him firmly, rearranging her bosom just to make Gay!Albus feel uncomfortable in return.

He averted his gaze. 'Very well. We will join you in a few minutes.'

###

Girlyswot landed smoothly, safe in the circle of Charlie's strong, canon arms. She allowed herself a moment just to revel in his comforting presence.

'Here we are, then. Beaufort Castle, home of Clan Fraser. Did you get everything sorted out?'

'Think so. The pipe band are over there, and the Highland dancers are waiting inside to give us a display of sword dancing. There's a range of single malts for TDU to sample and plenty of black pudding ready to fry up for breakfast. I've checked all the charms - all the men will find themselves wearing clan tartan kilts, and the women will have plaids to put over their shoulder. Oh, and everyone will find that any injuries sustained so far will be healed, leaving only the scars.'

Girlyswot looked down. Charlie was indeed wearing a bright red and yellow checked kilt with matching socks that showed off his spectacular calves. She had a matching plaid over her Regency dress. She couldn't wait to start reeling.

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I have no idea who he is, but I'm wondering why you've gone off poor Jamie?

No, he's definitely new. And hopefully sigh-worthy. And hopefully thwart resistant. (Yeah, right.)

Megan was flushed after a good bout of dancing, not to mention verbal sparring with Mr. Darcy. Oh, she loved taking down pompous popinjays a plurality of pegs! (Megan had just finished proof-reading a patent application, and the Patent Office didn't understand expressions like "a few", "several", or "more than one").

She came upon the couple eating sandwiches under the tree.

"Oh, hi, Heather! I haven't seen you much" (other than eavesdropping on you and Girlyswot earlier).

"Heather?" she brightened. "My name is Heather, then?"

"Sure. Don't you remember your own name?"

'Heather' frowned and launched into an explanation about the near-drowning accident. "But it's good that I finally know how to introduce myself to people."

Megan was about to ask why no one had bothered to enlighten her before, when a terrible crack split the relative quiet of the forest.

In a tangle of arms and legs, Gabby, Richard, Albus and a huge, ugly spider (http://www.avru.org/general/general_birdeat.html)
materialized not ten feet from them. They yelped and scrambled back. Albus was frantically trying to extricate himself and reach for his wand, but Gabby and Richard were not helping matters at all, screaming and flailing as if possessed.

Lawyers! Megan thought amused. They only knew how to make a plurality of claims. But when it came to killing a spider.

Finally, Albus managed to swish his wand and Vanished the spider. He shook his head at the spreading rash on his companions' limbs. "Brewing the antidote would take too long. You'll just have to wait it out, I'm afraid. Well, I did my part. I'll give you a day to get better, and then I expect an introduction to Rupert Everett."

Lol! Nice one, Megan!

"What happened to you two? How did you tangle with a spider?"

Richard mumbled.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I said that we went to Australia."

"Why? There is not Regency castle in Australia... Oh! Oh, you didn't! You went after Betty Crocker? but why? Do you WANT StMags to push Duncan on her?"

Gabby launched into a convoluted explanation that made no sense to Megan, all the while scratching madly.

"Anyway, it did no good. When we got there, she was already married to a tough-as-nails ex-convict with a Heart-Wrenching Past. Turns out, he was a political prisoner - an Irishman who'd been fighting for independence."

"I don't understand. We just sent her there. I know that romance characters can fall in love in a week, but this was barely two hours ago."

Richard gave her a funny look, all the while scratching like crazy. "You don't understand how Time Travel works, do you?"

"Who does?" Megan muttered.

"We got there 3 years after Betty had arrived. Albus couldn't time it any closer. She already had two children, and another one on the way."

"Ah. Good for her!" Megan smiled. "That should show StMags that it wasn't just a thinly disguised feminist plot on my part. The woman has a family now, after all. DId she also get her horse farm?"

Gabby nodded. "Yes, although the ex-convict owns it now. English law and all that."

Megan considered ranting again, but decided that she was too far ahead in the Bingo game. She didn't have to give other players reasons to destroy her Plot on minor technicalities. She decided to wait and see how those other players were going to unmarry and unchild poor Betty, and still claim it was for her own good.

A/N: 1. I made a mistake in the prequel, and consistently called Hazel, Heather. My one excuse is that I wrote the Prequel in the middle of the night.

2. Sorry, Gabby, but I couldn't resist. You were warned about the poisonous animals of Australia! And you were so sure I had it in for you (when I really hadn't), that I figured I might as well live down to everyone's expectations. (If you want revenge, please note that CHK, Moonette, and StMags have prior claims.)

I'd offer to help but I think I screwed things up enough earlier.

“I’m not sure where she is right now. Why do you want her?”

Moonette started to step further into the room, but he growled, “Stay where ye are!”

“I’m a woman, and I’m unarmed. I’m just here to see if you need help. It appears you do.”

He took a shallow breath and let it out. “And who might ye be?”

“I’m a friend of St. Margarets, if that puts you at ease a bit. You need medical attention.”

“What I’m needin’ is St. Margarets!” he shouted, though it was a weak shout and it sounded like it hurt him to do it.
“All right. Just let me take a quick look at you. You might be bleeding out right there in front of me, for all I know. You might be dead by the time I come back with St. Margarets.”

“Ach, these wounds would not be killin’ me anytime soon – they’re just a bloody nuisance.” And he shifted against the bed and gasped again.

But since he didn’t outwardly protest her request to take a look, Moonette took cautious steps around to that side of the bed.

~~~~~~~~

Ack, my girls have no school today, and they're NOT cooperating. I'm teaching the younger one to skate and making enchiladas for the older one. But the next part is the description of Mr. New Scotsman and his backstory. I'm sorry it's taking so long!

I think I am insulted a little bit, since I'm the bug killer in my house. And Richard is not a screamer/flailer.

And do you really think that Betty Crocker won't be in Duncan's arms at the end of this (if that's the way St. Margaret's wants it, that is).

We'll have to wait and see.

Re: spiders: I'm not the squeamish type, either, but a big, poisonous Australian spider would make me scream and flail. Just saying.

LOL - and here I thought Megan was setting us up for that threesome Richard was interested in. :)

I have to write my part now since it will be soon homework/bed routine for Eddie. I'll leave me Mr. New Scotsman out.

Richard gave her a funny look, all the while scratching like crazy. "You don't understand how Time Travel works, do you?"

"Who does?" Megan muttered.

"We got there 3 years after Betty had arrived. Albus couldn't time it any closer. She already had two children, and another one on the way."

"Ah. Good for her!" Megan smiled. "That should show StMags that it wasn't just a thinly disguised feminist plot on my part. The woman has a family now, after all. DId she also get her horse farm?"

Gabby nodded. "Yes, although the ex-convict owns it now. English law and all that."

Megan considered ranting again, but decided that she was too far ahead in the Bingo game. She didn't have to give other players reasons to destroy her Plot on minor technicalities. She decided to wait and see how those other players were going to unmarry and unchild poor Betty, and still claim it was for her own good.

St. Mags crossed off deaus ex machina on her bingo card and smiled smugly. Betty, her half-formed character, had gone back in time. Which meant Little Debbie, Jimmy Dean, Drake and the rest of those odious children ceased to exist. Duncan Hines was still a free man.

“Duncan!” she called in a carrying voice. That matter-of-fact voice sent chills down her characters’ spines. They (Will, Niall, Richard, Byron, et al) knew that when St. Mags spoke in that tone, their fate was to be spun, measured and cut. Yes, St. Mags was the three fates rolled into one, and just as old (but a lot nicer).

“What can I do for you?” Duncan asked in his velvety voice.

“You can be my leading man,” St. Mags said. “And now I will switch point of views for comic effect.”

Duncan’s heart leaped. Did this mean St. Mags had fallen in love with him? He did look rather well in his kilt. And he had conducted himself with honor during this dishonorable party. Were they to be together for all eternity – or at least until the next lj party?

His hopes were dashed, however, when St. Mags abruptly tuned out his point of view.

“Ah, Rolf!” St. Mags smiled at the shirtless Young(ish) Harrison Ford look-alike. “Are you done brawling with Niall?”

Rolf swiped a lock of hair off of his sweaty forehead. “Yes,” he panted. “CHK told him to knock it off or she was going back to New Zealand.” He glanced at Duncan and then looked around. “Is Megan still here?”

“Somewhere,” St. Mags said cheerfully. She didn’t know if Megan was supposed to be a clench with the New Scotsman or not and she didn’t have time to wait for moonette to finish painting her nails or sharpening her stilettos or whatever it was Veelaisimas did on Monday nights. “There’s a poisonous spider from Australia that just arrived and I was wondering if you could capture it for us. I’d hate to think what it could do to Scotland’s ecosystem.

Rolf scratched his head. “I don’t know anything about spiders – I’m more into Magical Beasts, but there’s a visiting Muggle entomologist who might be able to help us.”

“Excellent,” St. Mags replied – right on cue. “What’s his name?”

“Her name,” Rolf smiled. “You fluff writers are so sexist.”

“My bad,” St. Mags smirked.

Duncan heaved a great sigh. Unlike Byron who had worked at Ye Older Romance Writer’s Shoppe, he couldn’t see this plot twist coming and didn’t know to pay keen attention to this seemingly innocent conversation.

“Beth Crocker. She’s from Australia, but she’s here in Scotland - tracing her roots. I guess one of her ancestors used to be a kitchen maid or stable boy or something.” Rolf shrugged. “Whatever it was – she’s convinced that Fraser castle holds the key to her past.”

As well as the key to her future, St. Mags thought, fanning herself with her bingo card and turning the point of view over to Duncan.

Duncan didn’t understand why St. Mags was smiling behind that crumpled fan –but he forgot all about St. Mags when Rolf suddenly said, “Ah, here she is, Beth Crocker, noted entomologist from Austalia.”

She was a redhead – no, that didn’t do justice to the glorious flame and gold of her long hair. It seemed she carried the very light of the sun with her as she stood before his dazzled eyes.

“Beth,” Rolf was saying through the buzzing in Duncan’s ears. “We’ve a spider we want you to look at.”

“We?” She was smiling at Duncan with a glint of mischief in her amazing green eyes. “And who is we?”

“St. Mags from Newfoundland and Duncan Hines from . . .” Rolf faltered.

“Scotland,” Duncan murmured, taking Beth’s outstretched hand. It indeed felt as if he had been born anew on this very spot – this moment when his flesh first touched hers. A spark of vitality shot through him, turning him three-dimensional. Now that he had met his match, his personality could be shown rather than told like all good character development. He would laugh and spar and love this feisty woman from Down Under. Soon everyone would forget that his mother, Sarah Lee, didn’t love him, that his unfortunately-named children had been eliminated in a Time-Travel accident, and that he had started out as phase two of a cake-baking experiment. They would only remember this moment, this beginning when Beth brought her booted foot down on top of his and stomped the poisonous spider before it killed him.

“Sorry,” Beth cried as he hopped up and down on one foot. “But I couldn’t let it bite you.”

“Isn’t that a rare spider?” St. Mags gasped as she saw what a huge ugly black thing it was.

“Nah,” Beth said with a wide grin as she picked up the carcass by one hairy leg. “Australia’s crawling with these things.”

Duncan was looking too shook up to continue his point of view, so St. Mags carried on for him. “Thank you,” he said giving her a dark navy glance of gratitude. “You saved my life.”

“So I did,” Beth replied, throwing the spider in the rushing stream that had almost claimed the life of Hazel/Heather. “And because I saved you, your life is mine.”

“What?” St. Mags cried. She hadn’t expected Beth to have megalomaniac tendencies.

“I want ‘em,” Beth declared. “He’s handsome, he has blue eyes, he’s thoughtful and loyal –“

“I know,” St. Mags gritted. “There’s an entire lj entry on his attributes.”

“My heart is already in your hands,” Duncan said on cue, stepping closer to her.

Beth held up her hand. “But you have to take my last name.”

Duncan faltered. This was some sort of test, wasn’t it? Give up his very identity for the woman he loved? He was a fine dessert brand.

“It’s a tradition in my family,” Beth explained. “My ancestor, Betty Crocker, went to Australia to seek her fortune. She fell in love with an Irish convict named Paddy O’Furniture. She refused to live her life with a walking pun, so he changed his last name to Crocker.”

“Duncan Crocker,” he murmured. “It doesn’t sound too bad.”

Since Beth was totally hawt and Duncan hadn’t been able to use all of his attributes (thanks, Rolf!), St. Mags knew he would gladly give up his name. Maybe now his mother would love him since he would no longer be a competing dessert.

After this interior monologue – voiced by someone, the happy couple drifted off towards fade to black.

I nearly cracked my face with smiling when Beth Crocker appeared, then Paddy O'Furniture...how long have you been waiting to use that name? I actually giggled out loud (GOL?).

I should have known better than to worry a little bit.

Still...I'm keeping my eye out for Megan's shennanigans. Moonette seemed to have lost interest in Duncan from the time he was baked, it's all her new characters we have to watch out for.

I wonder if Byron's offspring is coming for you now?

she's done it again!!!!!!

*curses*

Is she any relation to Barry Crocker? I do hope so!

(For the Brits, he's the bloke that used to sing the Neighbours theme tune - I don't suppose that ever made it to the US. He is generally considered as daggy a singer as you can get.)

TDU woke up again, having seemed to have missed all the action and, thankfully, a trip to early 19th century Australia. St Mags seemed to have got her -ologies confused as an entomologist wouldn't be an expert on spiders, although might be less scared of them than most people. However, TDU did wonder where the spider actually came from. Those hairy legs seemed to rule out all it being an Australian species (TDU had a picture stuck up on her fridge for emergency identifications) and definitely ruled out the poisonous ones. Maybe it was some alien form the Doctor had brought on the TARDIS. She could remember a spider episode from the original series, when Jo sent him a mysterious blue crystal from the Amazon (or somewhere).

I am laughing so hard, my husband is looking at me in concern. I had to explain to him the whole setup, and read the Paddy O'Furniture bit aloud. He cracked up, too.

"She refused to live her life with a walking pun," indeed.

AND you made Elizabeth II a strong female who stomps on (already Vanished by Albus) spiders! I don't even mind marking this your win. But I'd like to say that you might have misunderstood how the 5 kids came alive. Since Betty Crocker really had nothing to do with them, they are still very much around, I'm afraid. One or more of them might acquire a personality - who knows? *grins*

CHK thinks Tdu should e-mail her a copy of that picture!

Here! (http://www.avru.org/general/general_main.html) Enjoy.

I thought the spider Albus vanished was too big to be merely stepped on and assumed this was another one that snuck in under the cover of the larger one...

The fridge charts are very easy to acquire. I don't think the world's most deadly spider (the Sydney funnel-web) is found in Victoria.

You're too much! I loved this.

I must confess that try as I might, I didn't finish the mysterious Scotsman part. Having the kids home all day and Gianna's volleyball game tonight and various work responsibilities killed me. And I have to work at the school in the morning for two hours. And that darned auction fic is supposed to be due tomorrow and I haven't near finished it. And the kids get out of school at noon tomorrow. Wait - have I always had that eyelid twitch?

Is the party still going on Tuesday your time? LOL, I want to finish this!

"What are you still doing here Mulder?" Jo was freaking out because real life had kept her away for two days and caused her to leave a plot thread dangling. Her inner control freak couldn't allow this to stand. "I can't believe you've just buggered off to a strange country and left Scully on her own to worry about you. She hasn't even got an autopsy to keep her busy."

"Scully will understand," he said in his most selfish, single-minded manner - the one that sends all unreconstructed closeted Draco fangirls crazy with desire. "I have to get to the Truth!"

"Don't you get it, Mulder? There is no truth - only St. Margarets fluffy agenda. The party was just part of an elaborate global conspiracy to make it appear as though resistance was possible. I'm sorry I dragged you into this, but you have to give it up now!"

"Who are you? AD Skinner? I'll never give up - I have to believe there's a point to fighting." His intensity was as sexy as ever, but Jo could sense Mulder was weakening. He looked over his shoulder one last time to show off his amazing hair to its best advantage.

"If Scully were here, she'd say the same. You're in danger of vanishing into a dangling plot thread vortex if you don't leave this fluffy rainbow and kittens universe right now. Listen to me, Mulder! You have to get back to your real mission - looking into the darkness so you can save the human race."

Jo dragged on Mulder's sleeve, desperate. She only had a few more seconds before she had to jump in the shower and get to school. All she'd wanted was to brighten up St. Mags birthday with a hawt romantic hero. Her work here was done but she hadn't counted on Mulder's ability to sniff out conspiracy wherever it lurked.

Mulders chiselled shoulders slumped and his gun fell to the floor. Yay! She'd won. He'd been persuaded by her cool logic and hard-headed reason just like when Scully made him go away for a whole boring season because his life was in danger. But somehow she feared that this was only a temporary defeat for Mulder. Now he was on the trail, he wouldn't stop until he got to the truth. If she didn't keep a sharp eye on him, her promise to Scully never to write him again might end up broken at the next party.

Jo gathered up her tupperware and threw it into the boot of the car. With a squealing tyre sound effect, she and Mulder roared away into the sunrise.

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Is it still stmargarets birthday?

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I Come From The Land Down Under

I Come From The Land Down Under Part II

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